Suddenly find yourself crying at a TV advert, or becoming overwhelmed during a trip to the shops. That bus, that magazine… grief does that. It will probably sneak up on and it’s almost guaranteed to be when you’re least expecting it.
The important thing is that if you’re recovering from the death of a loved one, you should never underestimate the depth of your loss. It takes time.
It’s Harder at the Start
When you first lose a loved one the way you grieve and sense of that loss might really surprise you.
You will feel sadness and it’s possible you’ll suffer, even in the short term, from some depression. You’ll also feel things that have come about as a result of the loss. This would be for example the intense feelings of missing that person and the constant thoughts you have of that person.
As a result of this rollercoaster of feelings you can easily find yourself forgetting the normally simple everyday tasks. Everything becomes harder; shopping, working, looking after the children (if there are children involved).
You might become confused, or even ill as a result. It can be physical too – you can feel drained, or you might be crying constantly. You might become irritable or withdrawn.
And it’s all these things that can really take you by surprise.
It’s called acute grief. And it’s intense. But the good news is that it will get better over time.
Grief is Personal
It’s probably a bit harsh to say no-one will understand, but it’s also sort of true. That’s not to say no-one will care but grief is unique and intensely personal. Only you will understand or be able to understand exactly how you are feeling.
Grief vs Mourning. The Differences
People use the words grief and mourning to mean the same thing but they are different. They do start at the same time, usually, but grief is your emotional response to the loss, whereas mourning is how you progress and rebuild after the grief.
The feelings associated with grief can’t change your situation. Mourning, however, can. Mourning is how you deal with the feelings from your grief and rebuild your life.
Accepting Your Grief
Grieving in a healthy way means accepting it, allowing it to happen and then moving it away. Yes, life will look different. You may feel like you have no place in the world, but it will pass.
Slowly you will rebuild and your grief will pass.
Healthy grieving leaves you with the memories of a loved one alongside a happy life. And for this to happen it’s important to grieve in your own way. People may offer advice, and even if their intentions are good, you should only grieve in a way that’s right for you.
Grief that lasts is known as complicated grief.
When the Grief is Over
For most people though, one day the grief will be over. And that raises more challenges.
At the start the crying sneaks up on you by simply taking a trip to the shops or seeing an advert for funeral plans. Then one day you’ll realise you went to the shops and didn’t cry. Now you’re feeling better…
…but possibly feeling guilty about that too.
It’s difficult to move on and live after you’ve lost a loved one. You can often feel like you’ve forgotten them too soon. You might even get to the point where you deliberately prolong the sadness because it’s all you feel you have left.
When a person dies the world around you goes on. TV shows still run, people get up and go to work, and your utility bills will still arrive. Life goes on.
And so should yours. It’s hard though.
Final Thoughts
Be nice to yourself. Allow your body and mind to deal with the emotions of grief and mourning in the way they feel is best. Don’t underestimate the feelings that can come with grief, and give yourself the permission to find things hard. It’s normal. And certainly don’t be hard on yourself for forgetting the milk, or whatever else you needed from the shop but forgot.
You will soon build a new direction, when the feelings of loss and sadness have become less intense. It’s a process that has a beginning, a middle and an end.
