Introduction

Growing up, I engaged in a lot of competition with my friends. I played on a soccer team with most of my close friends, which made room for a lot of comparisons. I often measured my abilities against theirs and would feel a rush of pride when I ran faster, scored more goals, or made more accurate passes. On the flip side, when I knew a friend was better than I was, it was often internally difficult to feel proud of them. Their successes would propel me into deep insecurity. To a certain degree, this made me a better player, and it is natural to have the drive to succeed. However, it also caused our connection to feel less stable and made me wonder how much we cared for one another if we were always hoping to outdo the other.

Many of us are not taught how to evaluate the health of a “friendly competition.” Therefore, it is important to engage in thoughtful reflection about the way that competition shows up in your life. Self-awareness will allow you to cultivate the strongest relationships you possibly can. Throughout this blog post, we will explore the characteristics of healthy competition, signs of unhealthy competition, negative impacts of unhealthy competition, and ways to promote healthy competition among friends.

Characteristics of Healthy Competition

Mutual Encouragement

Friends motivate each other to achieve their best, even if it means that they get something and you do not. This should go both ways; in a true friendship, both individuals will always root for the other person to achieve their goals. Encouragement may take place through verbalized praise over one’s successes, conversations about goal setting, or actions to help the other person improve (i.e. studying together, taking time to help each other improve their weak points). Encouragement should leave the other person feeling seen, cared for, and understood.

Celebrating Successes

Friends should be able to rejoice in each other’s achievements without jealousy. A healthy friendship will create space for both people’s successes to be acknowledged. That said, it is also important to let yourself feel your own disappointment over a setback. For example, if you and a friend are both up for a promotion at work and your friend is selected over you, it is perfectly healthy to honor your personal disappointment. It is important to communicate your needs to your friend. You may explain that, while you are happy for them, you may need a bit of time to feel bummed. A friend who engages in healthy competition will likely understand and honor that need.

Constructive Feedback

Healthy competition will also involve feedback. Friends should be honest with one another about what they should work on in order to achieve their goals. For example, if you and a close friend are competing for a spot on the same relay team, healthy competition may include racing each other to promote each other’s best work, then giving feedback about racing techniques the other could work on to get a faster time. This way, both people demonstrate an investment in helping the other person become a better athlete.

Signs of Unhealthy Competition

Jealousy and Envy

If you notice yourself feeling very jealous of your friend’s success, that may indicate an unhealthy level of competition in the friendship. Some signs you’re feeling jealous may include thoughts like, “That reward should have been mine,” or “I worked so much harder. I deserve it more.” These are some warning signs that competition may be a subject you struggle to engage in healthily. This kind of comparison can become detrimental to your self-image, leading to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, even though they may not be justified in the scenario.

Resentment and Bitterness

Developing negative feelings towards a friend’s success is a common sign that there is built-up resentment due to unhealthy levels of comparison and competition. If you notice that your reaction to a friend’s good news includes feelings like stomach dropping, insecurity, self-doubt, or anger, it is possible that you feel some bitterness towards your friend. If this sounds like your reaction, it may be worth taking some time to think about why this happens. Being aware of this behavior is the first step towards building a stronger, healthier friendship going forward.

Lack of Support

Unhealthy competition often lacks support for the other person. If someone shares some good news with you and your reaction is to undermine them (i.e. a friend sharing that they scored a goal at their soccer game and your reaction being dismissive due to the level of competition or critical towards their technique). Missing support from a close friend can cause the friendship to rupture, leading to a lack of trust and security with one another.

The Impact of Unhealthy Competition on Friendships

Emotional Toll

Competition often leads to feelings of heightened stress, anxiety, and decreased self-esteem. This is seen even in high-achievers, as reflected in US Olympian Gabby Douglas’s decision to drop out of the 2020 Olympics to prioritize her mental well-being. Competition gets under our skin, increases self-doubt, and naturally causes overthinking, all of which are also symptoms of anxiety. If you’re facing high-level competition in a friendship, it can be difficult to feel like you can have a break from the comparison, leading to the severe emotional toll of constant anxiety about how you measure up to the other person.

Erosion of Trust

Competitive behavior can often result in trust issues. When you notice a friend struggling to celebrate your successes, it can feel harder to share moments of pride with them, let alone moments of strife. This lack of trust decreases the comfort found in your bond. In some cases, this lack of trust can even lead to the end of the friendship, as it tends to push people away.

Communication Breakdown

Friendships with high levels of competition tend to have poor communication, as well. These friendships tend to have high levels of tension due to the emotional toll of the competition, making it difficult for both people to stay level-headed during serious conversations about the friendship. The communication breakdown can cause miscommunication, things that are left unsaid, or words spoken from a place of anger rather than from honesty. 

Strategies for Cultivating Healthy Competition

Open Communication and Setting Boundaries

In order to help build friendships centered around healthy competition, it is important to open the door to communication. Practicing interpersonal skills, such as validation and boundary setting, can be a valuable first step. It may be wise to share that you’ve been struggling with comparison in your friendship and brainstorm some ways to help lessen that impulse. You could also try setting clear boundaries that help increase feelings of trust and support, such as agreeing that you’ll use a code word to communicate when you need space from one another due to competitive urges.

Focusing on Individual Growth

If you struggle with a desire to compete, it may be valuable to work on turning your focus inwards. Try and set personal goals that allow you to compete with your past self. For example, you may try to work on your fastest mile time, read more books this month than last month, or spend more time working on recipes that make you happy. These goals allow you to keep your focus on yourself, which may lessen the desire for comparison.

In a similar vein, it may be helpful to focus on maintaining awareness of your competitive tendencies. You could even set goals around comparison to help note your decreased desire to engage in it. This could also include journaling to help release the jealousy and envy you may feel without needing to act on it.

Practicing Gratitude

Gratitude can be a great way to combat the desire for comparison, because it can help you focus on the things you are proud of, both in yourself and others. While it may feel more natural to feel insecure while watching a colleague easily chat with new clients in meetings, it can be more beneficial to your self-esteem to have gratitude for how their extraverted nature impacts sales while also acknowledging that you have skills that benefit your work environment well. It can be very special to see and understand how you can support one another in this way.

Conclusion

If you notice that you struggle with the tendency to engage in unhealthy competition, it can be helpful to seek out support via therapy. A therapist may be able to help you understand more about your tendency to look for competition and how to use that desire effectively. Additionally, mental health support may allow you to reflect on your self-worth, leading to a decreased desire to compare your achievements to anyone else. Trust Mental Health offers individual counseling in California to support you. Book a free fifteen-minute consultation today.

Key Points

  1. Healthy competition involves mutual encouragement, celebrating each other’s successes, and providing constructive feedback. Friends in such dynamics motivate each other, celebrate achievements without jealousy, and help each other improve through honest feedback.
  2. Unhealthy competition is marked by jealousy, resentment, and a lack of support. These negative feelings can manifest as envy, bitterness towards a friend’s success, and dismissiveness, potentially harming the friendship.
  3. To promote healthy competition, it’s crucial to practice open communication, set boundaries, focus on individual growth, and practice gratitude. These strategies help mitigate the negative impacts of competition, fostering stronger and more supportive friendships.

 

FAQs

1. How can unhealthy competition affect mental health?

Unhealthy competition can lead to stress, anxiety, decreased self-esteem, trust issues, and emotional strain. It can also result in conflicts and the potential breakdown of the friendship, impacting overall mental well-being.

2. Why do some friends become competitive?

Friends may become competitive due to personal insecurities, a desire for validation, societal pressures, or past experiences. Competition can also stem from a natural drive to succeed, which can sometimes manifest in unhealthy ways.

3. How can I tell if my friend is feeling competitive towards me?

If your friend frequently compares themselves to you, seems unhappy or resentful about your achievements, undermines your efforts, or is less supportive than usual, they might be feeling competitive.