Imagine this: Your wife is attending her first cricket match. She asks you what to expect. She asks, “And what about people?” “It’s a wide range” she replies. “Let me explain them to “…
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The posh bloke
The typical Posh Bloke went to public school. If he attended Eton, he will likely tell you all about it. He will be asking others around him “What school did you attend?”. If they discover they have a common friend, they’ll talk about their lives. This can include “they’re dead”, “married a woman”, and “hasn’t changed much”. (which is generally not a good sign).
They also tend to shout very loudly. Sometimes, but not always, they may even wear an old-school tie. They may even try to lure people from rival schools. This usually ends in spiky words and hours of awkward silence. Or giggles.
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The club cricket player
This is the guy who believes it’s important to wear club cricket caps and jackets to Test Matches to show that they have ****ing been playing the game. It’s not a ‘cricketing dressing-up’ but it is a way to let people know about your team. Sometimes, it can be awkward to tell someone about Salisbury Village CC that you were 25 and they were 35 the previous time you saw them.
It is a good moment to say that I wasn’t a great player. One season, I managed just five runs. I prefer scoring. I was able to travel to other clubs and feel like a part of the team, without any physical effort. I was also able to earn a little bit of booze or cigarette money on weekends.
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The expert
They are a part of every sport. You can get long lectures on conditions, off-cutters, and leg spin from this guy. He will also be able to tell you the history, present, and future of most cricket teams. He will talk at you, and will not bother to ask for your opinions. If you ask him too many stupid questions, he may give you the “what is the hell are we doing here?” look. He’s willing to have a deep discussion about the flaws in a particular top order.
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The ‘I’m here for the piss’ slang
Funny story: My wife and I have been to three matches of cricket. Edgbaston was the venue for two of their three matches. It was the first ever day/night match against West Indies (Day 1), and T20 Finals Day. My wife couldn’t stop staring at the Hollies Stand when the crowd arrived having drunk a few beers before the match began. “Why are they so dressed up?” She asked. “Is this a stag party?” I replied no. I then lowered my head in shame.
Finals Day was the first time we actually sat down in the Hollies Stand. We were surrounded by a dinosaur, and 16 men in Hawaiian shirts sat to our left. Three of them had inflatable surfboards! There were five balloons exploding. My wife asked me something that I hadn’t noticed before: “Is anyone really watching the cricket?” I couldn’t give her an answer.
Many people were slaughtered when Worcestershire won the game. It was fun, but it isn’t the best way to end your life. You can be sure. You should also know that drunks can be aggressive. I’ve witnessed fights between Teletubbies and Mario Brothers, and one time saw a Mexican-hatted scouser yell abuse at Donald Trump over the course of two hours. It was not banter. He was simply being a knob.
However, the fun of playing cricket is not to be underestimated. If you don’t enjoy being around 10,000 people playing cricket all day, Edgbaston Test matches or T2Os are not for you.
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The foodie
I’m telling you if you have the opportunity to get a ticket with Bharat Army then do so. Don’t bring food because they are always over-prepared. Your stomach will feel full after you’re done. 12 hours later your toilet will also feel that way.
There are also people who bring all kinds of things to the picnic basket. My Mrs has quite the assortment. It’s three bottles of Coca-Cola and three packs of Quavers for me. Maybe a Pret sandwich.
Lord’s allows you to bring limited amounts of your own alcohol (as well as unlimited softies), so it can make for a great cocktail party. My wife is a huge fan of this part. “I love going to cricket… it’s the only sport where you can have a cocktail at 10.30 and no one bats an eyelid.”
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The corporate chap
Unfortunately, corporates are an unavoidable evil in cricket matches. They raise the cost of tickets and don’t show up for the lunch session. It’s very annoying. This is even worse when they tell everyone about their company. Repeatedly. They don’t know much about the game.
Kay, my friend, and I went to The Oval for a game. Kay noticed a group of people and knew that they were in real estate. We placed a wager and asked them. They were developers, and yes they were. They knew very little about cricket. The couple’s subsequent attempts at networking failed.
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Chatterer
This chap wants to speak to 250 people at the game to have a “cricket cocktail party”. His cheerfulness at 12 pm is quite sweet. However, everyone wants him dead by 6 pm. This is especially true if his “banter” includes foul language, three visits to the toilet to see a Columbian friend, and enough alcohol to kill a horse.
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The wind-up merchant
This guy is easy to recognize. He’ll be from the opposite country and will give the home fans a lot of shit. It’s cricket, so he can have a good time. He’s a great lad. He can also be a prick.
My dad once won Test tickets for India at The Oval. Were we sitting where? With the Bharat army! The joke was on us! However, it isn’t common for rude characters to make fun of rival fans.
Mind you, I’ll mention that I once sat beside the mother of a very famous cricketer at Lord’s. She demanded loudly why an England cricketer should be playing for the team “if” he didn’t look English.
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The ‘Traveler.
Travel stories are something we all enjoy hearing, especially when they’re first-hand and not on Facebook. Anecdotes can be entertaining or sad. For example, a friend booked a trip to Australia to see two Tests. However, she arrived in Australia with England 3-0 down and the Ashes are gone. There are happier tales: watching England beat Australia for 98 at MCG and then spending the majority of England’s tour in Sri Lanka drinking.
Travelers are also keen to learn about the fanbase of other teams and will seek out information on places to stay, eat and drink in their next destination. A bonus is the large number of former cricketers working in corporate travel agencies. They are always open to a conversation. Nice work if you can get it.
The ‘normie.
We finally have the average cricket fan. He is a passionate cricket fan, but can’t afford to go to the match. He enjoys a few beers, but not too many. And he’s generally a pleasant person to talk to. Although he is forgettable and won’t repeat his corporate job, he’s not as boring as the corporate guy. We go to cricket to escape from work. They shouldn’t be mixed.
